secret window to a complicated heart

Heavily Broken - The Veronicas

2009-09-08T15:14:00.002-04:00

Everyday I sit here waiting
Everyday just seems so long
And now I've had enough of all the hating
Do we even care, it's so unfair
Any day it'll all be over
Everyday there's nothing new
And now I just try to find some hope
To try and hold onto
But it starts again
It'll never end

I'm heavily broken
And I don't know what to do
Can't you see that I'm choking
And I can't even move
When there's nothing left to say
What can you do
I'm heavily broken
And there's nothing I can do

Almost giving up on trying
Almost heading for a fall
And now my mind is screaming out
I've gotta keep on fighting
But then again
It doesn't end

I'm heavily broken
And I don't know what to do
Can't you see that I'm choking
And I can't even move
When there's nothing left to say
What can you do?
I'm heavily broken
And there's nothing I can do

Feels like I'm drowning
I'm screaming for air
Louder I'm crying
And you don't even care

I'm heavily broken
And I don't know what to do
Can't you see that I'm choking
And I can't even move
When there's nothing left to say
What can you do
I'm heavily broken

I love this song...

Love

2009-09-07T17:48:00.002-04:00

In my life there's been heartache and pain.
I know I wont be able to take it again.
I think I know what love is, do you?
I've loved, lost,
I've hated and I have forgiven.
I want to feel what love is again,
I want to feel safe.
I don't want to keep thinking love is simply not for me.

A little randomness will do me a little good

2009-09-07T13:44:00.003-04:00

My complicated heart is out in the open again...
I have decided to post this.... maybe it'll do me no good, maybe it'll help me get it all out of my chest... eitherway.... i'll give it a try... this are a group of questions i have come to ask myself lately and well... maybe... if I start getting the answears i'll post them aswell.... the numbers have nothing to do to which is more important or which i ask myself the most... so here they come...

1. Will I ever get the strength to live my life?
2. Will I ever be loved?
3. Will I ever stop being hurt by people I love?
4. Will my mom ever be more of a mother and less of a sister or a friend?
5. Will I ever go to live to the states like i want to?
6. Will I ever see Lynda in the eyes, face to face?
7. Will I ever get to meet all of this amazing people the internet has help become part of my life? close friends, ex lovers and more?
8. Will I ever get to teach the coolest 16 yrs old kid how to dance so that he kicks ass at school dances?
9. Will I ever be what i really want to be?
10. Why can't life be simple for once?
11. Is it me?
12. Is it them?
13. Em I really the one with the problem?
14. Em I a bad person? lover? girlfriend?
15. Em I bad?
16. What is wrong with me?
17. Why is it so hard for me to be alone?
18. Why do I settle?
19. Why dont i just change?
20. Do I deserve to be loved?
21. What is the thing that i did that was so wrong to get all the chit i get?

update 04:24 pm, 07/13

2009-07-13T17:26:00.002-04:00

an update to everyone, and now i PROMISE i will be bloggin more!
still single, ex is still an ex and will stay that way.
I am enjoying my life alone, and i am taking advantage of it
I've searched for myself and i am liking what i see.
i am pulling back together and i'm getting my head straight, how cool is that!?
I have new friends and i'm treasuring old ones, to my newest friend Dallas, you're the best hunky hunk!

reflections of a talk with the ex

2009-06-23T12:20:00.003-04:00

i've been striked by this... idk if i should call it a phrase or a thought or idk what but anyway here it is....

someone told me that they were having a very hard time with ''everything'' so there i was reading this frase thinking.. wow this person must have a LOT of problems to deal with other than me, and i'm nosey so i asked what's everything? now what blew me away was the answear.... she said, and i quote, ''the fact that you can love me as much as you say you do'' (and i hope you, reading this, have the same confused face i had when i read this) the next thing i did was say (to myself) ARE YOU FOR REAL?!, now what i said was, and i think i did pretty good and this way of thinking will work to some of you, or maybe not, anyway, i said this: ''if you were to win the lottery, would you feel bad over it? so bad that you would give the money back?''

ok now, my confession is... all of this was a conversation with me and my ex, my ex who broke up with me a couple of days ago.... to all of you who follow me on twitter, you know what i'm talking about... i tweeted about it.... anywho.... pleas comment about this, about what she said and what i responded, i would love to hear some input

Love,

Mena

From Queers United: "Perú: Action Alert-Protest Discriminatory New Law to Ban Gay Police"

2009-06-08T13:27:00.002-04:00

On May 12, 2009, the Peruvian Parliament adopted Law 29356, establishing a new disciplinary code for the Peruvian police. Article 34 of that code classifies offenses as minor, serious and very serious and assigns penalties accordingly. "Having sex with people of the same gender that cause scandal or undermine corporate image" is classified as a very serious offense with a penalty of discharge.
The International Gay and Lesbian Human Rights Commission (IGLHRC) joins Movimiento Homosexual de Lima (MHOL) and requests that you send emails to the Ombudsman and Public Defender of Peru noting that Article 34 of Law 29356 infringes fundamental human rights, and asking her to file an Action of Unconstitutionality with the Constitutional Court to challenge the so-called "offense" of same-sex relations and its associated penalty.

Please send your letter to:

Dra. Beatriz Merino Lucero
Defensora del Pueblo / Ombudsman
Jr. Ucayali N° 388, Lima 1.
E-mail: bmerino@defensoria.gob.pe

Please send a copy of your letter to:

Fernando D'Elio / IGLHRC
fdelio@iglhrc.org

Giovanny Romero Infante / MHOL
gromero@mhol.org.pe

Wierdness

2009-05-21T10:45:00.003-04:00

oooh yes... wierdness...
I never really trully understood "You never know what you've had untill you've lost it" untill a couple of days ago....
Wierd....
What's wierd is that I am the lost object of affection and not the one who lost it.... and THAT is a wierd feeling... it's not nice.... it's not good..... it's not bad..... just... wierd...
It hurts me to listen to her hurt, it hurts to listen to her talk with bitter words that I know are only a consecuense of her own acts.... of her realizing i'm no there and I wont be there.... and I think she knows that.... and I think she knows that she screwed up.... maybe not... all I hear now is how I hurt HER... only because i moved on.... and even tho i have moved on a part of me is still there... part of me is right there by her side and she doesnt see it or if she does she's so mad... she's so.... she's so blinded by the last events that she doesnt remember... it's easier to attack.... it's easier to say i never loved her.... i never really cared... i used her....
And all I do is... take the punch... should I do that? shouldnt I? I don't know.... all I know is that she's hurt and I dont want her hurt, all I know is that even tho she doesnt belive me i do still care about her, I do... I don't know if she'll ever read this or not, i dont know if i'll ever tell her all this or not... who knows.... but I do know that I will make sure that one day... one day she'll look into my eyes and understand all this... and maybe then.... maybe then we'll be able to be friends.

update

2009-04-15T11:50:00.001-04:00

Hello everyone, Mena here reporting for duties.
i'm sorry for not being here the past weeks...
I went through a very very bad heart ache, almost 2 weeks of no food and no sleep.
I'm back and recovered, still a bit hurt but hey I'M ALIVE!!!

Unfortunetly I got laid off from work 3 days ago so i'm on a very strong job hunt. I havent haven't have much time to write cause of that but I plan to start doing it, not letting my post go that easy...

Ok more mosts to come in some minutes or hours,

Love y'all

Mena

2009-04-01T16:51:00.003-04:00

Fighting with myself
trying to keep myself busy
trying not to think
trying not to feel
...not to breath.

....to be continued

Random thoughts about love

2009-03-24T10:25:00.003-04:00

I want a love to trust
I want a love that lasts.

I want a love with a melody
one that with me, will make a symphony.

I want a love that trusts
I want a love that wont colapse.

A love that will make me feel safe,
one that wont try to push me away.

One that will know when i need a hug,
one that wont wait for me to ask.

But the question relies on one simple fact....
do I deserve a love like that?

Movie Night

2009-03-23T17:43:00.003-04:00

Ok so sunday afternoon, i'm tired, i've been grocery shopping all morning, my feet are kiiling me... whoever said a girl has to look great even for grocery shopping have never wore heels to the market!

So came back home, heels off, no lunch for me on sunday i just want my bed!! precious, wonderful, comfi bed!

MOVIE TIME!!!!!!!!

Started with Breakfast at Tiffany's, and this was the first time i was watching it, i will not get into any details just in case any of you reading this havent watched it yet, but it was BEAUTIFUL!!

What a way to show how people fears love and how even when they strongly feel it sometimes they will still run away from it, untill they cant deny it no longer... you just gotta hope it's not too late, thank god this time... it wasnt.

Then I went to the big leagues and put on Gone with the Wind, different timing and VERY different ways of acting from the leading lady (Audrey Hepburn on Breakfast at Tiffany's and now Vivien Leigh in Gone with the Wind) but I gotta say Vivien Leigh was amazing, and her character, so so strong, but yet if you reall notice, so gentle and broken. Not very happy about the ending tho it made me cry like a baby and hold my pillow all night pretending it was L, it made me feel the distance even more distant.

Ok I dont want to make this huge so i'm gonna end it now, loved both movies, they've become part of me.

Craziness

2009-03-21T21:38:00.003-04:00

So today... today OMG i didn't stopped untill... well untill just now.
I had to work all morning and then Mica and I had to meet her fathers aunt for a lunch play date with her and her kids. It was ok, she's much better person than the "seed planter" aka my daughters dad.

After that I came home and I find out that my lovely gf is going on a trip so i'm like **BIG POUT**, but i'm ok with it so by the time i thought i would have a calmed afternoon in the comfort of my bed, my HBO plus channels and off course, TWITTER!!!, my grannie had a sort'o accident, she hit her foot with our antique chairs (yeah the heavy ones).
So i put ice on it and the pain just never went away so "E.R here we come!"

Thank GOD nothing was broken just very very swallen and she was in serious pain, we got the prescription and got home, by now it is already close to 6 or 6:30 p.m and I still have to get the pills so i get rid of my heels cause they were KILLING ME, got into swetpants and nikes and out to the streets again (and oh did i mentioned i did all of this with Mica, and that Mica was being a serious pain in the A.S.S?). So we get the pills and I know grannie doesnt have to take them untill 10pm so i start checking movies and all of the sudden "Look mommie there's my grandad!!"
oh freakin fuck, my dad walked in but thank god he did cause he said he had just bought all this movies and that i could borrow anyone i wanted (HURRAY!!!!)
So we go to his appartment and I got this:
CLASSICS:
-Breakfast at Tiffany's
-My fair Lady
-Gone with the wind
NEW ONES:
-Slumdog Millionaire
-Bernard and Doris
-The Women

So it's 9:06 pm now, i'm getting ready to watch Breakfast at Tiffany's and send an email to my new very good tweet friend Robert, twitter account : robertropars, he's an EXCELLENT poet and you, yes you reading this should not only follow him on twitter but check out his blog and his poems and you know what, buy his books!! links: http://robertropars.wordpress.com/feed/
and one to a poem of his new book (wich I love): http://budurl.com/zlu4
Go check him out!!! He's very talented (Hi Robert!!!!! hahaha)

I'm off of this or i'll write a freakin book,
sum of the day: i'm tired, on my pj's, gonna be tweeting while i watch my movie so come tweet with me!

Laziness

2009-03-21T11:40:00.002-04:00

Ok so i've been sloppy with my blog... Trust me, I know
But I will do better, I promise. This last couple of weeks have been....
They've sucked BIG TIME!
But anyhow....
I wanted to take a momento to thank Cris and Phebe, THANKS GIRLS!!!
I hope to get more followers eventually. I'm still thinking about where this blog is gonna be headded or wich subjects i'm gonna talk about, like i don't know.... Gay new's like updates on marriage statements and laws and i thought maybe I could do a bit showbizz, hahaha
or i could so a mix of a lot of stuff.... idk,
give me your thoughts and ideas they will be very much thanked for =o)

love y'all!!

ღ ♡The Painter & The Canvas♡ ღ

2009-03-20T10:40:00.001-04:00

You are the finest of canvas,
but you havent noticed.

As the painter,
I need to make you mine.

My hands, as brushes,
draw lines of pasion and desire along your pale skin,
they slide among your curves,
stroking every inch of perfection
every corner of pleasure.

My fingertips,
running through the depths of your being,
owning you...
making you mine.

I feel you arch with my tender touch.

My senses burst at the smallest sign of delight,
contemplating the masterpiece before me.
The painter will always be a server of the canvas......
It's in the beauty of it where her true talent resides.

Lynda

2009-03-20T10:36:00.002-04:00

I crave for your kisses,
for your unforgettable smile,
crave for your tender caresses,
I crave for YOU, my joy.

I pray for you not to fail me,
for you to never leave me,
pray for you to never forget it is me who loves you,
me who waits for you,
it is me who cries over the pain of not having you,
who yearns for you every minute of every hour.

I would give anything just to kiss you,
fall asleep with your head on my chest.

I pray for your absence...
that makes me miss you,
that makes me dream with you when i need you the most.

I pray for you to wake up every morning next to me
entangled in bed with our legs intertwined,
I pray my love,
to start our life together.

Distance

2009-03-20T10:33:00.002-04:00

I wish that I could fly away,
fly away...
to a place where we can be together,
forever.

But reality has given me a loosing hand,
and if I wanna win I'll have to wait and see
see if our love can break out bad luck.
I know the fight will be hell strong,
but as long as I have your love,
nothing can get wrong.

Take this as my vow to you,
even with my plain drained heart
I shall be fighting for my live with you
for our live together...
for our family.

Poems?

2009-03-20T10:28:00.003-04:00

Starting with no followers i thought...
I'm gonna post some of my poems.... maybe that will help? who knows, lol.
If you like them a comment will be highly appreciated, if you dont....
I might have to delete the comment, no hard feelings.
My poems usually go around feelings some times they make absolute no sence...
Enjoy!

So.... Who the hell is Mena?

2009-03-19T23:16:00.007-04:00

ximena, mena... me!
I am a lesbian mom (never married).
I'm.... taken.
I'm..... over the age limit and lets leave it at that.
(Why wouldn't i just say my age?...
I don't like to be taken for granted, there I said it)

I write poetry and some songs, just some.
I consider myself unique, dont go with the bunch, dont think with the bunch,
I'm... ME!
no other way to say it.

I am: insecure, neurotic, funny, loyal, honest, crazy, perfectionist, passionate, caring.....
do you know of any that i didn't mention?

Enough about me,wanna tell me about you? Just leave me a comment!

Care about what i'm doing? Wanna keep updated on my moves?
Follow me on Twitter!!! (links under my pic)